University

I find that big changes can really spark off my anxiety and depression. It's tough, because you've just managed to start getting along in one situation and then it changes. Sometimes, these things are out of your control, and sometimes it's a choice you've made. For me, university was completely my choice. I'd always known I wanted to go, and I wanted to be excited for it, but it just filled me with dread.

Before I went to university, I didn't really get anxious. I worried the whole time, often about irrational things, but I wouldn't have called it anxiety. It was actually at university that my 'anxiety' started. During the first term, I was very homesick and lonely. I didn't make friends instantly, and even with the friends I had I wasn't with them constantly, so when I was at home I felt very isolated and alone. The mornings were the worst for me then - it took all my effort just to get out of bed, fight off that numb, lonely feeling and get ready for my day. Normally, once I'd started I was fine because I was out and about doing things...I just had to throw myself into the day. I am planning to write a post focussed on this 'morning feeling' soon, so watch out for that.

Eventually I started to settle in at university, and the depression reduced. However after the Christmas holidays, I didn't want to go back. I was dreading it, but I went. I made sure my family wouldn't let me chicken out, and off I went, with the advice from my A Level French teacher ringing in my ears..."Go back after Christmas - it will be the best decision you ever make." And when had she ever been wrong before?!

It did get better. Not all at once, and not everything, but it got better. I felt a lot less lonely, as by this point I had friends and I felt more confident. However on the night I got back to university, one of my best friends from home, who had been ill for some time, passed away. I cannot describe those emotions, of someone the same age as you, who you'd grown up with and who was so strong and determined, gone. I was grieving, I still am grieving, and the emotions that came with that for me were huge, and very different to what I'd ever experienced before. I hope to write a post on grief in the future, but for now I don't feel I'm quite ready.

From this point on, I started experiencing panic attacks. I'd always worried about exams, and about various other things, but it had never really had a hold on me like this before. I will go into detail on panic attacks another time, but they are how they sound. PANIC attacks. Nothing seems okay any more, and it's uncontrollable. I'd always been able to control my emotions to an extent before this, and for someone suffering with depression and anxiety, loss of control was my worst nightmare! I was scared, ashamed and felt alone. I had some counselling to help me with the panic attacks, but for me the way this was conducted did not really help. I worked hard on controlling my breathing and trying to calm down when I felt anxious, but I am still fighting this.

The most important thing to me is not feeling alone. I am constantly amazed at the amount of people I know who also have problems with anxiety, either past or present. Obviously it is sad to know friends are struggling, but the feeling of community and the fact that they understand where I'm coming from makes coping with it easier. I also am lucky to have a strong friendship network around me who support me and try so hard to understand what I'm feeling and don't get annoyed or frustrated. So don't let yourself push away those close to you...try and be open with your friends and family and help them understand - trust me, it helps more than anything!

I do get homesick at university. I miss my family, and managing a long distance relationship with my boyfriend has its ups and downs, but it will be worth it. I keep reminding myself that this is another step in my life, and you have to do things for you. I love languages, and so studying them at university is what I want to do. I try to throw myself into scary situations, despite the nagging feeling that they will spark anxiety, because if I don't, I feel worse. As an encouragement to anyone reading this who feels the same, go for it! Because as scary as it may be, it will be worth it. It may be tough for a while, but you'll regret it if you don't try!