It’s very true that
people treat physical and mental illness very differently, and this could well be
because we don’t know how to talk about it. It’s not a common topic of
conversation. You wouldn’t think twice about asking a friend who’d been off
school with the flu how they were and if they were feeling better, but if
someone was off school with depression, it’s such a ‘hush-hush’ situation! We
don’t know what questions to ask or not ask, and what the reaction to these
questions could be, or what to say in response. Emotions seem to be a lot
harder to talk about than physical ailments, and so the topic is just avoided
altogether, when actually just the opposite might be what is needed.
From the other point of view, it can be hard for someone
with a mental illness to talk about it as well, with the constant fear of being
judged or someone not understanding hanging over your head, it’s hard to know
who to trust and what to say. Often mental illness can stem from a traumatic
event in your life, and so the whole situation is surrounded by a jumble of
emotions that you try to keep hidden. Sometimes people just don’t know how to broach
the subject, asking how you are but not really paying attention to the answer,
which can be misread as disinterest and this puts off the conversation. 
The only way we are
ever going to work through this is, surprise surprise, by talking about it, and
whilst this may be tough for both parties in a conversation, it’s better that
the awkward small talk and avoiding really asking how someone is, and it's especially better than the “just cheer up, it’ll all be fine”, “you don’t need
to worry about that!” or “you shouldn’t feel like that, that’s irrational.”
Having said that, it’s probably not best to just go straight
in with the topic, as that could well be a little overwhelming on both ends. So
I’ve come up with some tips for how to begin this well-needed conversation, and
the best way to handle it if and when it arises that I hope might help to start
a healthy discussion
If you are talking to someone with a mental illness:
- Ask them how they are, and then listen. Nine times out of ten, “oh I’m fine” will not actually be how they are feeling, but it’s just easier than having to explain how they’re really feeling. They do want to talk to you, but they are so used to not being understood that telling everyone they are fine and hiding behind the mask is easier than wearing their feelings for all to see.
- Don’t be judgemental – if they feel like they’re being judged, they will subconsciously put up a wall between you as a self-preservation tool, and it will be so much harder to have the conversation again. They need to feel safe and like they can trust you to be able to express how they really feel.
- Don’t tell them to stop worrying/feeling down – you can’t just switch off an emotion. Imagine if you’d just had the best ever, you’d got brilliant grades and it’s beautiful and sunny outside…and someone tells you to stop being happy. It’s not helpful, and it makes the person feel very small and patronised, like their feelings are less important and valid than yours. Try and understand things from their point of view, ask questions to help you understand if that helps, and reassure them that you don’t think they’re crazy!
- They know they sound irrational – people with mental illnesses, for example anxiety, will hyper-analyse everything in their life as it is, they don’t need someone to tell them they’re over thinking it, they know that already, they just need someone to listen to how they’re feeling and not think they are completely crazy!
- Try and accept that this is not them speaking, it’s the mental illness – they don’t want to be feeling this and they want to change it, but it’s not that simple.
If you want to talk to someone about your mental illness:
- Don’t wait for the ‘right moment’ – it’s very unlikely you will ever feel completely ready and like it’s the perfect moment to tell someone about this. It’s a ‘just go for it’ kind of situation. You will feel anxious about it, but if you are talking to someone who loves you, they will care about you and want to know what’s going on.
- If you’ve been planning for a while to talk to them about this, it might be worth writing it down in a letter for them to read to start the conversation. In the letter you could even set some guidelines on how you want the conversation to go, for example you don’t want advice or judgement, you just want to be able to explain how you are feeling so that they can better understand what is going on with you. This is a good way of helping the other person to know how to respond and handle the situation, which could be completely alien to them.
- It’s nothing to be ashamed of. A study showed that one in four people has a mental illness, and it’s more common than you think. You aren’t the only one feeling this way, and the person you are talking to may well surprise you.
So this needs to be a two-way thing. The stigma and lack of
communication surrounding mental health astonishes me, especially when it is as
common as it is! We don’t need to experience it to understand it – if we just
make the effort to talk to those we love or do a little research the world
would be a much more welcoming place for discussing such important things. It’s
so important that we can all talk to each other and share our feelings, without
feeling like we are going to be judged and avoided as a result. My advice: go
for it. Talk to those around you about mental illness, whether you suffer with
it or not, do your research and discuss it with your loved ones – everyone will
benefit if the world knows more about the challenges each other faces. And most
of all? Support, love and care for one another. We all need people to talk to
and rely on.
If you would like more information about mental illness and
would like to read up on it, I recommend the following website:
Here you can read about many different mental illnesses, the
symptoms, possible causes and treatments and you can also discuss it with
others.
Thanks for reading!
Laura
