Let's get talking!

Last week in the UK was mental health awareness week, and recently on social media platforms I have seen many people standing up for mental health, sharing quotes such as: “You’d never say ‘it’s just cancer, get over it!’” or “What if we treated all illnesses like we treat mental illness?” I felt I wanted to get in on this topic, as I feel so passionately about it.

It’s very true that people treat physical and mental illness very differently, and this could well be because we don’t know how to talk about it. It’s not a common topic of conversation. You wouldn’t think twice about asking a friend who’d been off school with the flu how they were and if they were feeling better, but if someone was off school with depression, it’s such a ‘hush-hush’ situation! We don’t know what questions to ask or not ask, and what the reaction to these questions could be, or what to say in response. Emotions seem to be a lot harder to talk about than physical ailments, and so the topic is just avoided altogether, when actually just the opposite might be what is needed.

From the other point of view, it can be hard for someone with a mental illness to talk about it as well, with the constant fear of being judged or someone not understanding hanging over your head, it’s hard to know who to trust and what to say. Often mental illness can stem from a traumatic event in your life, and so the whole situation is surrounded by a jumble of emotions that you try to keep hidden. Sometimes people just don’t know how to broach the subject, asking how you are but not really paying attention to the answer, which can be misread as disinterest and this puts off the conversation.

The only way we are ever going to work through this is, surprise surprise, by talking about it, and whilst this may be tough for both parties in a conversation, it’s better that the awkward small talk and avoiding really asking how someone is, and it's especially better than the “just cheer up, it’ll all be fine”, “you don’t need to worry about that!” or “you shouldn’t feel like that, that’s irrational.”

Having said that, it’s probably not best to just go straight in with the topic, as that could well be a little overwhelming on both ends. So I’ve come up with some tips for how to begin this well-needed conversation, and the best way to handle it if and when it arises that I hope might help to start a healthy discussion

If you are talking to someone with a mental illness:

• Ask them how they are, and then listen. Nine times out of ten, “oh I’m fine” will not actually be how they are feeling, but it’s just easier than having to explain how they’re really feeling. They do want to talk to you, but they are so used to not being understood that telling everyone they are fine and hiding behind the mask is easier than wearing their feelings for all to see.
• Don’t be judgemental – if they feel like they’re being judged, they will subconsciously put up a wall between you as a self-preservation tool, and it will be so much harder to have the conversation again. They need to feel safe and like they can trust you to be able to express how they really feel.
• Don’t tell them to stop worrying/feeling down – you can’t just switch off an emotion. Imagine if you’d just had the best ever, you’d got brilliant grades and it’s beautiful and sunny outside…and someone tells you to stop being happy. It’s not helpful, and it makes the person feel very small and patronised, like their feelings are less important and valid than yours. Try and understand things from their point of view, ask questions to help you understand if that helps, and reassure them that you don’t think they’re crazy!
• They know they sound irrational – people with mental illnesses, for example anxiety, will hyper-analyse everything in their life as it is, they don’t need someone to tell them they’re over thinking it, they know that already, they just need someone to listen to how they’re feeling and not think they are completely crazy!
• Try and accept that this is not them speaking, it’s the mental illness – they don’t want to be feeling this and they want to change it, but it’s not that simple.

If you want to talk to someone about your mental illness:

• Don’t wait for the ‘right moment’ – it’s very unlikely you will ever feel completely ready and like it’s the perfect moment to tell someone about this. It’s a ‘just go for it’ kind of situation. You will feel anxious about it, but if you are talking to someone who loves you, they will care about you and want to know what’s going on.
• If you’ve been planning for a while to talk to them about this, it might be worth writing it down in a letter for them to read to start the conversation. In the letter you could even set some guidelines on how you want the conversation to go, for example you don’t want advice or judgement, you just want to be able to explain how you are feeling so that they can better understand what is going on with you. This is a good way of helping the other person to know how to respond and handle the situation, which could be completely alien to them.
• It’s nothing to be ashamed of. A study showed that one in four people has a mental illness, and it’s more common than you think. You aren’t the only one feeling this way, and the person you are talking to may well surprise you.

So this needs to be a two-way thing. The stigma and lack of communication surrounding mental health astonishes me, especially when it is as common as it is! We don’t need to experience it to understand it – if we just make the effort to talk to those we love or do a little research the world would be a much more welcoming place for discussing such important things. It’s so important that we can all talk to each other and share our feelings, without feeling like we are going to be judged and avoided as a result. My advice: go for it. Talk to those around you about mental illness, whether you suffer with it or not, do your research and discuss it with your loved ones – everyone will benefit if the world knows more about the challenges each other faces. And most of all? Support, love and care for one another. We all need people to talk to and rely on. 

If you would like more information about mental illness and would like to read up on it, I recommend the following website:

https://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Mental-Health-Conditions

Here you can read about many different mental illnesses, the symptoms, possible causes and treatments and you can also discuss it with others.

Thanks for reading!

Laura

Anxiety

Hey there :)

It's been a while since I uploaded anything to this blog, but this week I saw this web page called '13 Things to Remember if you love someone with Anxiety'. Normally I don't read these because they're difficult to read or I just don't feel in the right frame of mind, but something made me read this one, and I have to say it's brilliant. I felt I could completely identify with every point that was made, and I've passed it on to those close to me, and plan to send it on to more.

If you read anything this week, read this post. It will help those without anxiety understand it a little better, and to those who are struggling with anxiety: you are not alone :)

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/13-things-remember-you-love-person-with-anxiety.html

I challenge everyone to talk more about anxiety - the more we know, the more we can help.

Thanks for reading!

Laura

Bad dreams

Do you ever have those dreams that still feel real, even after you've woken up?

Sometimes it's a really good dream and you end up disappointed that you don't actually have that amazing car, or live in that mansion in the south of France! But at other times it's a bad dream, and you wake up feeling down, scared or anxious. And sometimes it takes a while to shake off that feeling, even once you've convinced yourself the dream really was 'only a dream' and that there is nothing to feel bad about.

I often discover what I've actually been worrying about deep down through my dreams. The things that really upset me, scare me, worry me, seem to manifest themselves in the crazy world that is my brain when I'm asleep! Sometimes that's a good thing, as it means I can try and tackle it when I wake up, but more often than not I wake up more exhausted than when I went to sleep, because my brain has been fretting over these issues all night and hasn't actually switched off! I find that it can be easier to push something to the back of my mind during the day, however when my defences are down during sleep, it all comes back again.

This can be exhausting and demoralising, so I've compiled a couple of things that have been helpful to me with dealing with bad dreams, and hopefully they will be helpful to others too.

• Talk about it. One thing that I've found helpful is to talk about the dreams the next day. Either with family, friends or even just writing it down in a dream journal. Often, just the act of recounting a dream makes it seem less real and mostly I end up laughing at the bizarre things my brain invents! This can make it all feel a lot better and help you relax again. This is also a good way of working out what is upsetting you, and maybe is a step in the direction of resolving this problem.

• Relax before bed. I drink camomile tea before bed if my brain is working a little bit over time to try and relax and avoid stressing out when I come to sleep. Other things that help me to relax before I go to sleep are reading, watching something on YouTube or a film, and focussing on my breathing and relaxing every muscle in my body.

University

I find that big changes can really spark off my anxiety and depression. It's tough, because you've just managed to start getting along in one situation and then it changes. Sometimes, these things are out of your control, and sometimes it's a choice you've made. For me, university was completely my choice. I'd always known I wanted to go, and I wanted to be excited for it, but it just filled me with dread.

Before I went to university, I didn't really get anxious. I worried the whole time, often about irrational things, but I wouldn't have called it anxiety. It was actually at university that my 'anxiety' started. During the first term, I was very homesick and lonely. I didn't make friends instantly, and even with the friends I had I wasn't with them constantly, so when I was at home I felt very isolated and alone. The mornings were the worst for me then - it took all my effort just to get out of bed, fight off that numb, lonely feeling and get ready for my day. Normally, once I'd started I was fine because I was out and about doing things...I just had to throw myself into the day. I am planning to write a post focussed on this 'morning feeling' soon, so watch out for that.

Eventually I started to settle in at university, and the depression reduced. However after the Christmas holidays, I didn't want to go back. I was dreading it, but I went. I made sure my family wouldn't let me chicken out, and off I went, with the advice from my A Level French teacher ringing in my ears..."Go back after Christmas - it will be the best decision you ever make." And when had she ever been wrong before?!

It did get better. Not all at once, and not everything, but it got better. I felt a lot less lonely, as by this point I had friends and I felt more confident. However on the night I got back to university, one of my best friends from home, who had been ill for some time, passed away. I cannot describe those emotions, of someone the same age as you, who you'd grown up with and who was so strong and determined, gone. I was grieving, I still am grieving, and the emotions that came with that for me were huge, and very different to what I'd ever experienced before. I hope to write a post on grief in the future, but for now I don't feel I'm quite ready.

From this point on, I started experiencing panic attacks. I'd always worried about exams, and about various other things, but it had never really had a hold on me like this before. I will go into detail on panic attacks another time, but they are how they sound. PANIC attacks. Nothing seems okay any more, and it's uncontrollable. I'd always been able to control my emotions to an extent before this, and for someone suffering with depression and anxiety, loss of control was my worst nightmare! I was scared, ashamed and felt alone. I had some counselling to help me with the panic attacks, but for me the way this was conducted did not really help. I worked hard on controlling my breathing and trying to calm down when I felt anxious, but I am still fighting this.

The most important thing to me is not feeling alone. I am constantly amazed at the amount of people I know who also have problems with anxiety, either past or present. Obviously it is sad to know friends are struggling, but the feeling of community and the fact that they understand where I'm coming from makes coping with it easier. I also am lucky to have a strong friendship network around me who support me and try so hard to understand what I'm feeling and don't get annoyed or frustrated. So don't let yourself push away those close to you...try and be open with your friends and family and help them understand - trust me, it helps more than anything!

I do get homesick at university. I miss my family, and managing a long distance relationship with my boyfriend has its ups and downs, but it will be worth it. I keep reminding myself that this is another step in my life, and you have to do things for you. I love languages, and so studying them at university is what I want to do. I try to throw myself into scary situations, despite the nagging feeling that they will spark anxiety, because if I don't, I feel worse. As an encouragement to anyone reading this who feels the same, go for it! Because as scary as it may be, it will be worth it. It may be tough for a while, but you'll regret it if you don't try!

The first post is always the hardest

I began my 'blogging story', if you'll excuse the cheesy phrase, with blogs about my year abroad and housing at university, both to inform those close to me, but also with the underlying desire to help people in years to come. And in the back of my mind I've had this idea for a while...I wanted to talk about things which we don't normally talk about, things that are hard to explain to those closest to you, let alone publish on the internet. But nonetheless, things so many of us suffer from.

I get depressed. I get anxious. There we go, I've said it. There's no easy way, just like ripping off a plaster. So now you know what this blog is about - mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety. I'm not promising to know all the answers, and I'm not competing with anyone. I'm here to be honest about my struggles, and my aim is to try and help some of the many people who suffer with these illnesses, make them feel less alone, and help them be understood by others.

This post has been rewritten many times as I've tried to find the right words to start off what could be a very emotional blog. I am still unsure on how I'm going to approach this...I want to tie in personal experiences of depression and anxiety, as well as ways I've dealt with it, and any lessons I've learnt along the way.

So here it is, the first post on my blog. I want this to be a two way thing, so if there are stories you want to share, or things you want to discuss, feel free to comment. I want this to be a safe environment to be honest about how you feel, as it is so much better to get it out than to bottle it up.

So, let's talk about it!

Laura :)